Direct Action

I have actually managed to climb outside in the last two weeks. Admittedly, it involved being rained on, but I did actually manage to climb something. Which was nice. 

On the 12th Nick and I went to the Tor and did Wild in Me. This involved stuffing rags into holes and pulling them out before climbing. I.e. pretty desperate. We also went round to Rubicon which was totally (and some would point out) predictably, flooded. The evening finished at Stoney's Minus ten wall, which means I don't have to go there for another five years. 

Yesterday I returned to Kilnsey with Britain's preeminent bum doctor and Keighley's second favourite ginger primary school teacher (about to loose his title). This was a high risk strategy based entirely on the strength of text messages from the dangerous subversive Aaron Deakin. However, when we arrived it was actually good. There were dry holds, and a fresh breeze. I however, had forgotten my harness. Kilnsey is an impressive crag of some rather significant girth, not one which the prospect of climbing with a sling harness appeals particularly. We set about the mandela training traverse - A sideways shuffle the crux of which involves avoiding nettles. Although you wouldn't travel to Kilnsey to go bouldering, this actually turned out to be quite fun. Whilst James and I engrossed ourselves in the real line of the crag, such fanciful creatures as Awesome Mawson and strong blonde lady set about flashing everyone else's route projects, but I could see them jealously eyeing our traverse, wondering how two such fat men could lift such weight, and how we hadn't pulled the crag over. 

Thankfully our Keighley cousin arrived just in time for us to finally exhaust ourselves and for him to be best. Which indeed he was. Delighted to be at a damp midge infested hell hole, he rattled off the Directissima. I also took a turn on the lead, whilst the lilly livered bum doctor shaked and grumbled his way up on a topper. As the medical miracle swore and trembled, Kev and I dreamt up a challenge. Would the Directissima be possible in trainers? well, yes it would. A fun exercise that made you think more about your feet and work a bit harder. Lowering back to the ground, we all had a quick go on Face Value. Kev again in trainers, us two now totally boxed - having a whitey in climbing shoes. Quick pint at the Old Hall and then home. 

Meanwhile, I have an email from our old friend Dick Splinters. Dick's planning to launch a top secret training app on the appstore. I've seen a prototype, and it seems to involve a lot of videos of Dick, wearing brightly coloured Y Fronts, doing implausible things with a campus rung. In one video he appears to nearly get his dog to talk - nearly. Unbelievable. Not sure what Dave Macleod would think about some of his training ideas mind. One of them seems to involve using the campus rung in an altogether different fashion where ones arms come into play only to hold onto the pillow.

Sheepsk!n

I haven't had any revelations recently, and i haven't been actual rock climbing either - so there's been scant little to reveal to you. Well, there are a couple of things :

Joe le Sage has a blog. Far from the usual droning on about rock climbing tosh, its a cooking blog. Read his musings here : http://jlskitchendiary.blogspot.co.uk/

We took the boy on his first holiday. We went to Pembrokeshire, and stayed in a beautiful cottage. Here's some pictures : 

this was our house

The bedroom

bath in the bedroom

whitesands bay. nice and clean, but only small

three musketeers at Barafundle bay

throwing some fins

cool things we found whilst we were there :
Pant Mawr - amazing local cheese shop
UltraComida - spanish tapas serving deli in Narberth
Melin Trgwynt - welsh woollen blankets
Surf forecast for whitesands on Ma Simes

Three months old

It's not been a bad time to have had a baby and be out of the running to be honest. Since he arrived, don't think I haven't been climbing - i have, just only for short spells, and indoors. Which sounds like its been ok because it's been tipping it down or boiling hot anyway. The opportunities missed have been scarce, and whilst I don't like to be a miserable choad and wish that whilst I can't, neither can you - it's easier to bear than hearing about loads of stuff getting done when you can't go. Which is a point I would like to make - when you're expecting a baby, people are such doom chimps - 'oooh, you'll not be doing this and that when the baby comes' and so on. You will, you can do anything you want - just for less time and whilst tired! Why do people take such delight in doing this? wierdos. 

I described fatherhood to Adam as being exactly the same, but without the whimsy. By which I meant you still get to go climbing, and do what you want to do, but the whimsical flights of fancy of before have to be shelved. I reckon even they will come back, but not perhaps for a little while.  Mind you, being the first father's day this last weekend, I did get to indulge myself and take the boy for a walk down Cheedale. Not since the bad old days have i seen a crag that wet (remember, the years when the cornice didnt dry out?). I had heard that people had been on martial music and unleashing, but both of these were nearly waterfalls, and the nemesis start was so soaked i struggled to make out the holds (I was actually looking for the one which had broken, and am now concerned its the crimp jug you bone with your right hand to go back left. Is it? 

So, three months old and already been dragged to the wet crag. What hope for the minibeast? He's also been to the Climbing Works. Slept through the first hour, and then had a bit of feed and a kick on the mats by the board. Which, according to Helen - is very like her sessions (this made us laugh). Unfortunately, he also had to suffer the endless tirade which is Alex Barrows. One can only wonder as to the damage which must surely have been done to his little mind as the gangly grade bagger slopped his floppy clown shoes onto the enormous bivi ledge footholds which exist for weak people and warm ups. To compensate, I sellotaped a picture of malc to the inside of his basket, and he fell asleep with a kettlebell in his paw. Hopefully this is enough to reverse the damage.

A new start

"Halleluia" they thought - he's stopped blighting us with his vitriolic rants about weight vests, showing off and how good Ned is. No more the pointless gossip about who linked which hold to which on the beastmaker board, the self obsessed drivel about endless failure, or random musings on the perils of filling your splits with anti hydral. The Maclellan witch hunter, cast from the blogosphere, has finally hung up his boots? They wrung their hands in anticipation. Well no, sorry. He is/I am back. Once again. With the ill behaviour. 

The building work dragged on into an eighth week. It felt like longer that men wielding power tools had been creating plumes of dust in the house. It feels now like that was all of a different world - one where she was still pregnant, and everything was as normal - just that she didn't walk far or drink gin. We were driving down Carterknowle road that evening, and as we crashed over a speedbump, her waters broke. 10 days earlier than the due date, a week away from the end of the building and everything was covered in dust and in boxes! We just wanted to collect up the waters, push them back up and seal the baby in for a few weeks. 

We'd been whispering to it that it wasnt to come until the 16th - a week after its due date, but it wouldn't listen. It (cos he was still an it at this point) had been wrestling and kicking away at his mother, desperate to get out, but we weren't ready. There's a risk of infection from having your waters gone but not being in labour, so we ended up getting induced in jessops on wednesday the 28th. We had wanted to have a water birth, for her to be active during labour, and to stay at home as long as possible, but all this goes out the window when being induced, because you're hooked up to a drip and can't move about. Plus, as labour is being brought on by a synthetic version of the hormone, it suddenly comes on at full tilt, so you don't get chance to build up to it. We were warned to expect it to be hard, and consider all the pain relief options. It's not a competition, so we took them. And things went from being fraught and her suffering to her chatting with her dad about colour schemes for the house! 

After a pretty chilled labour, we started pushing at about 11pm. They ended up suckering him and giving him a little pull to get him the last bit out, and at 12:46am on Thursday the 29th Harry Jack Morton hatched. As he was pulled clear of his mum, my eyes caught sight of a little red ball bag - a boy! get in! I couldn't believe it. So many people seem to have been having girls, that whilst I wanted a boy, I didn't expect to actually get one. They put him straight on his mum's chest and he squealed and squealed whilst two new parents looked at him and at each other and felt relief and awe and mild terror! It was like we hadn't realised there was going to be a baby at the end of it all. The world started to spin faster, and it hasn't slowed down since!  

All through pregnancy and labour, the support is brilliant. The staff of Jessops are amazing. They do an incredible job, but at the end of it you are presented with your child and it feels like you've jumped off the cliff - all these people helped you get there, then pushed you off! It's then that the realisation dawns on you that you're gonna have to look after this totally dependant thing from hereafter, that your self indulgent lifestyle of old has gone forever - and we weren't unhappy! People do warn you that things change when you have a child but you just think 'yeah, yeah - whatever, we'll still do stuff' and I have no doubt that we will, but for the first few months its all about them. 

The tide brings a ceaseless stream of visitors, then slowly the frequency abates, and you start to get back to normal. Only its not the old normal, its a new 'dictated-by-child' normal. One of the things people have said which most resonated was that the first couple of weeks were more about coping than anything else, and now six weeks on we're already getting better at it, and I have come to realising that something else a friend said is also true - the days may seem to drag on, but the weeks and months fly past. Six weeks old already. Six weeks, and much chunkier, more alert and almost having a smile baby exists, and its parents whilst not fully competent, can make at least a reasonable show of knowing what they are doing. 

So then, what you really want to know, is during this paradigm shift in my life - how much have I been climbing? well, I figured I wouldnt be going out much, so i bought a kettlebell, and did a few sessions of hanging, but have actually been popping to the wall a couple of times a week, certainly after the first three weeks, and in the day rather than of an evening. But you know what? in the daytime the wall is full of other dads on stealth missions, and the weather's been shit anyway. 

So it's ok fatherhood. At least so far. The feelings of this child has taken over my life and I dont get to choose what i do have been replaced by ones of 'but he is cute though', and dreams of his future and wondering what he'll be into. I chatted to Gill Whittaker last night (Katy and PWhiddy's mum) about how she got them into it, and know the secrets. Nick Brown seems keen to make him the next Adam Ondra, Foley's had a go, and he even did a poo on Ned. 'Doin' allright, getting good grades, future's so bright - i gotta wear shades'...

weighed down

Right. This has been brewing for some time, but I haven't had time to spout it. Weight Vests. Ever since there was that damned video about Patxi Usobiaga circling his board with one on, thats all you see young hopefuls wearing. Me and Foley even bought them, and I'm not saying there's something wrong with using them, or that they couldn't lead to results, but that these days they are more often being misused for the purposes of showboating. 

Training with weight on has been around for years. It's led to some great injuries and to some strong people. Undoubtedly it could work, but it's a high risk strategy. Yes, if you don't break then you could get strong - nay, very strong - but unless you progressively build up the weight and do it properly having identified that really is your weakness, you're at risk of breaking yourself. That's not actually the point here. Since that bloody video I see two things at our walls - people climbing short problems on JUGS with weight vests on, and people who have no jobs coming down at the busiest time of day and sharking on the comp wall - i.e. watching people, waiting for them to fail on something, and then mincing up it in a weight vest. If this describes you - you are a CUNT. 

Patxi was using weight, and climbing on jugs - but doing a lot of moves. He was training endurance. Doing 5 or 6 moves to get to the top of the comp wall on a problem you have done 100 times, with a weight vest on is training your ego. Stop show boating and do harder problems. Are you seriously saying that you cannot do hard enough moves withough having to add weight? You're not trying the right problems. Use smaller holds. Worse feet. 

You can train power with added weight, but climbing problems you have wired isn't doing that - it's showing off. Analyse your weakness, is ability to swing between jugs carrying a rucsac really it? If you want to get strong - hang from a fingerboard with weight on. If you want more power - do powerful moves - get on the Beastmaker board - you don't need to add weight to make that hard, so why aren't you there? oh I see - because you cant get to the top, and you want to look good!

Ultimately, you can do whatever you want of course, but don't let's lie about it.

Walk in the Dark

A scraping noise from above alerted me to the sinewy form of Chris Nicholas Webb Parsons opening his bedroom window - 'ah mate, ya flaming galaaa - aaaahm just on the skype to me shiela, mate. Ripper', and with that a key hurtled towards me. Let yourself in I thought - nice. You dont get a chance like this too often... 

I creep stealthily through Ned's darkened bedroom doorway, hearing only light snuffling noises from within.  I inch forward. The ginger love god faces into the opposite corner, surrounded by strange roped contraptions and pictures of malcolm smith, and appears to be examining his tail. Perhaps its itchy I think, as I leap forward and capture him in my net. A quick squirt of cat nip and his yelps are subdued. I bundle him into the car, but as I am loading him, the chiseled cheeks of one time hippy Ben Thompson make an appearance. Thinking quickly I whip out a cream horn and whilst he's dazzled, he too is swept into the back of the car. 

It's not actually raining at Curbar gap, although the wind feels like its scouring our very souls for weakness. I frog march them to 'Walk on By' and force Ned to work out a sequence. Ben huddles in a cleft weeping quietly. Soon Ned and I are scratching our way upwards on rat crimps and dirty grifters. Neither of us do it, but he gets to holding the top pinch. It was only because of Ben's tears wetting the holds that we have to give up. That was Monday. 

Last night on the way home from work I went back to Anston Stones. I have been trying to do that Dark Art problem for what feels like ages, but is actually about four visits. It's one of those problems which I think I was quite close to when I first went on it, but then seemed to keep not doing. Anyway, it was good nic, and I felt good. I knew I was going to do it when I started warming up. Things felt good, i knew what to do, i had the errors dialled but i wasn't going to make them. Two redpoints later it still wasn't in the bag. I was getting closer though. 

There's a danger of putting your heel on the floor during the first move, and sometimes as you move upwards there's a doubt in the back of your mind whether you weighted it, but not this time. This time i must have been in a slightly different position and the holds just felt better! Everything happened right. All the holds caught perfect, adjusted to get the best out of them and moved past. As I matched up on the good dishes over the roof the thought 'dont blow it now' kept coming back, and I pictured myself crumpled on the pads having fallen from here. Engaged maximum safety slow motion climbing mode, and thankfully, this bit was both easy and well rehearsed. I scuttled to the jugs, panting like a cornered nun. YYFY!

rock climbing

Since we've been back, I just wanted to go climbing. I have suspended any aspirations and have just gone out and done stuff (as opposed to projecting things, or getting sucked into any sieges). When we got back from Swizzers I was a bit down on my climbing, and this is what I needed to give me my mojo back. It's all well and good coming home with some big numbers in the bank, but climbing is more than just occasionally doing hard stuff, it should also be fun. Years ago Roy told me to stop training and go climbing - sage advice, and something which really helped me as a climber.

I love training, and I love doing hard moves on the board (ok, ok - hard moves for me - yeah, they might be jugs to you), but I also love getting to the top of actual rock climbs, and going to new places. So, since we have been back I have been on a bit of mopping up mission. Getting some stuff I have meant to do for ages done, and boshing out some new steady ones as well. Here's a list of the scuffles of the last few weeks :

1) Small is beautiful, burbizzle. Always quite fancied this for some reason. John Allen classic. Dispatched in a lunchtime raid the week after Swizzers.
2) Velvet Crab, burbage again. Me and Ed went out that saturday it was freezing cold and finally went and closed this one down. There's some fat guy on it in the guide, so it cant be that hard... ;-P
3) Blind Date, Burbage. Done on the same day as above, as the snow started. pretty log, but for completeness sake.
RingPiece, Ilkley. Can this really be 7b+? Went after work, thinking it didnt look that far (from Pudsey), it is, and the roads are busy. Meant to do Superset as well, but it went dark and I went for chips. Is the Pub nice? it looks it.
4) Jess Roof, Almscliff. Hooray! I have had odd goes on this here and there over the years, but I am always on my own, and its a bit scary. This one was this Tuesday. Lovely day - incredible condition at the cliff, just got on and rinsed it. Very pleased.
5) Streaky's Traverse, Almscliff - a bit shit, but another one done.
6) Buffy wants daddy, Almscliff. See above really. Quite interested in the link ups.
7) Jerry's Traverse, Stanage. This Wednesday - now I know this is a bum drag and possibly the least most inspiring problem at one of the best crags in the Peak, but its a good one to do on your own (although I wasnt), and once I got started on it i wanted it done.

Its been fun, actually doing things.