Winter round up

Often, in quiet moments on the motorway/toilet, I think to myself - I really should write something on the internet. By now though its almost been so long that any post would be a massive rambling monolog which you don't want to read, and I don't want to write. And besides, why should I write anything? that was always the good thing, I didn't have to do it, there was (and is) no agenda, I can say whatever the fuck i want. Or not. The thing with the internet is that you get out of it what you put in. If you lurk quietly reading things, you've invested your time, and you might come away with some knowledge (which may or may not be lies), but by contributing you get so much more back. In my writing this its an ordering of thoughts, and a bit of catharsis. Putting some things down so they get out of my head. The thing is you see, that if I dont write anything, the thoughts and rants still happen, they just get internalised, and I have to deal with them. Why not share the pain?

So then, lets get to it. I had said i wouldn't go to Switzerland this year, and so as expected, when the boys booked their trip i was jealous. Bendy challenged my reasons for not coming, and i had one of those epiphany moments where you think 'actually, yes - thats a good point'. My reasons were that it wouldnt be fair to leave her with the boy whilst he didn't sleep through, only he pretty much does now. I opened negotiations, and because whilst she wasn't back at work - it kind of made sense to go. So, i find myself with a month to train, suddenly about to go on a trip, fat and weak and pudgy after christmas. The last time we went, noone had been able to get out for weeks because of the weather, so we all had shit skin. This time I overcompensated, going buck wild and grinding sheets of skin off in the process. And that's where plans started to become unravelled. On the Thursday before we flew out on the Saturday I went to Earl - possibly the sharpest grit crag in the uk, and it was a bit damp to boot. Then on the saturday night after we had arrived, I applied Uncle Hydral to my already thin dry skin.... If you're not slapping your forehead with your hand now, you should be. First day, we go to Cresciano. I get two deep fissure splits in the pads of both index fingers. On the first day! Major error. Still, you live and you learn hey? We did some fun rock climbs, had a nice trip but really truly and deeply, i didnt come back having done what i wanted to do. However, i believe you only loose out if you choose to think that you do. I prefer to look on the bright side. I got close to doing something i really wanted to do, and did some cool climbing and had a nice time. The end.

Got back, did Famous Grouse. Felt dead hard, hilarious video on Faceache with gravity defying leg flick. Nearly did Walk on by, but nearly is nowhere, and ultimately I didn't. Got quite excited about art of white hat wearing, but also came away empty handed. That was a problem where I got to the top with one plan in mind, only to realise that there was no way it was going to work.

Started trying Ben's groove sit at caley. Left it too late in the year to get on that one really, and although thought i was gonna do it, basically climbed up to the crux, fell off, then could do from there to the top. i.e. i didn't actually do the move. Mina tried to rope me in to careless. Blew her out to go on WoB with Neddy. That was the day she did it! error.

Went snowballing which was cool, but lets be completely clear - you are still soloing, just from a bit higher ground. Remembered about wanting to do chip shop brawl just as the snow all went. Had massive revelation that the only reason anyone does trad is because its all piss, just a bit scary.

Finally, jasons roof. Mina did it in a session (good effort!). I went on a mission after work and thought it was 8b. Couldn't do some of the moves. Watched her video and slowly it came together. She climbs it really well. Went from not being able to do sections to having two overlapping halves, and then to redpointing, and to actually nearly doing it. Went back a week later, which was too soon. Skin scabbed over from the week before, scabs fell off, i bled and it was just too painful. Imagine the scene, Neddy, Jon Fullwood, Sam Whittaker and the Folinator all wanting to know what to do. I style out to the lip, getting to the jug but slipping off, and we all think that its definately on for me. Neddy then nearly flashes it. Sam and John pull it out of the bag, James forges a path, and I get out there another 4 times but never finish the deal! Beautiful walk out. John and Ned do a new problem. Neddy does sidewinder.

Have a week off from trying, to go to the county, where I finally manage Cubby's lip. The yorkshireman is still 8b. We go to Hepburn, and I wish we had gone there first. Preparation H is possibly the best problem in the country! I wobble up Northern Soul which is super cool.

Manage to get back to crookrise the week after, and expect to smash Jasons straight away. Not so, still have to fight for it, and in the end when i do it, it takes its toll of flesh and I climb it really badly! you will see when i get round to the video. So now thats that, the end of the brown rocks (???). Pretty psyched for bolt clipping. we will see what the summer holds.

The 25th of August! That was when we last spoke, which is in stark contrast to the daily updates of old. And its not that I dont love you anymore, nor have I lost the appetite to poke fun, just a question of priorities. Also, I've actually been working rather than giving voice to my existential debates on the internet. Anyway, enough about that. What's happened since August? Well, firstly, a girl did Mecca. Admittedly one who climbs 8B (yeah yeah, she will soon ok - think of it as future proofing), which prompted me to crank up my trusty ginger sidekick and head to the tor. As is commonly the case these days, he did it and I didnt. Nick took some nice pictures.

The rest of limestone season was driven largely by the prospect of going to Stoney chippy on the way home. Ned tried the Bastard, Jon Welford's visionary testpiece from the mid nineties but only managed one and a half moves, Nick took more pictures, and I did the Sissy again. A far cry from the blissful evenings idling away at the Cornice last year. Anyway, Stoney chippy is indeed a good chippy.

I was glad of the shift of focus to the brown rocks, and unsuprised to discover I was even less competent than before. There were little forays of success, tales of skin mismanagement and more stories of failure. I failed on the art of white hat wearing and great white, but did (and recommend) the Hippo.

I learnt that the weather is so consistently bad, that if you have chance, even if it is for just an hour - you should go out, and to that end I have been collecting projects close to home - i.e. accessible in a couple of hours quick raid. These so far include The art of white hat wearing, great white, monochrome, boyager, Walk on by, full power, western eyes and musee imaginaire (which was the scene of a hideous failure with Bransby the other day).

In child news - he has his first tooth, so although he's been a bit grumpy he's still really good. Nearly nine months old now, and although its all anyone says - it goes so fast. To which end although the first three months are hard work and you do wish the time away a bit, it gets loads better and now he is really fun to play with. Still hard work mind. (ours in nearest the camera in this pic)

Anyway, happy xmas! hope you have a good festive yuletide and that you consume a river of port and a mountain of mince pies (i.e. so I can burn you off when I see you at the wall).

What doctors do when they don't have jobs

Here's Rupert and Dylan making the best out of the bad weather, me enjoying a little saucisson on one of my regular big wall missions and finally some insight into my secret training scheme, just before an intense wedge workout.

All work credit the twisted mind of Dr folie

Some holiday snaps

Direct Action

I have actually managed to climb outside in the last two weeks. Admittedly, it involved being rained on, but I did actually manage to climb something. Which was nice. 

On the 12th Nick and I went to the Tor and did Wild in Me. This involved stuffing rags into holes and pulling them out before climbing. I.e. pretty desperate. We also went round to Rubicon which was totally (and some would point out) predictably, flooded. The evening finished at Stoney's Minus ten wall, which means I don't have to go there for another five years. 

Yesterday I returned to Kilnsey with Britain's preeminent bum doctor and Keighley's second favourite ginger primary school teacher (about to loose his title). This was a high risk strategy based entirely on the strength of text messages from the dangerous subversive Aaron Deakin. However, when we arrived it was actually good. There were dry holds, and a fresh breeze. I however, had forgotten my harness. Kilnsey is an impressive crag of some rather significant girth, not one which the prospect of climbing with a sling harness appeals particularly. We set about the mandela training traverse - A sideways shuffle the crux of which involves avoiding nettles. Although you wouldn't travel to Kilnsey to go bouldering, this actually turned out to be quite fun. Whilst James and I engrossed ourselves in the real line of the crag, such fanciful creatures as Awesome Mawson and strong blonde lady set about flashing everyone else's route projects, but I could see them jealously eyeing our traverse, wondering how two such fat men could lift such weight, and how we hadn't pulled the crag over. 

Thankfully our Keighley cousin arrived just in time for us to finally exhaust ourselves and for him to be best. Which indeed he was. Delighted to be at a damp midge infested hell hole, he rattled off the Directissima. I also took a turn on the lead, whilst the lilly livered bum doctor shaked and grumbled his way up on a topper. As the medical miracle swore and trembled, Kev and I dreamt up a challenge. Would the Directissima be possible in trainers? well, yes it would. A fun exercise that made you think more about your feet and work a bit harder. Lowering back to the ground, we all had a quick go on Face Value. Kev again in trainers, us two now totally boxed - having a whitey in climbing shoes. Quick pint at the Old Hall and then home. 

Meanwhile, I have an email from our old friend Dick Splinters. Dick's planning to launch a top secret training app on the appstore. I've seen a prototype, and it seems to involve a lot of videos of Dick, wearing brightly coloured Y Fronts, doing implausible things with a campus rung. In one video he appears to nearly get his dog to talk - nearly. Unbelievable. Not sure what Dave Macleod would think about some of his training ideas mind. One of them seems to involve using the campus rung in an altogether different fashion where ones arms come into play only to hold onto the pillow.

Sheepsk!n

I haven't had any revelations recently, and i haven't been actual rock climbing either - so there's been scant little to reveal to you. Well, there are a couple of things :

Joe le Sage has a blog. Far from the usual droning on about rock climbing tosh, its a cooking blog. Read his musings here : http://jlskitchendiary.blogspot.co.uk/

We took the boy on his first holiday. We went to Pembrokeshire, and stayed in a beautiful cottage. Here's some pictures : 

this was our house

The bedroom

bath in the bedroom

whitesands bay. nice and clean, but only small

three musketeers at Barafundle bay

throwing some fins

cool things we found whilst we were there :
Pant Mawr - amazing local cheese shop
UltraComida - spanish tapas serving deli in Narberth
Melin Trgwynt - welsh woollen blankets
Surf forecast for whitesands on Ma Simes

Three months old

It's not been a bad time to have had a baby and be out of the running to be honest. Since he arrived, don't think I haven't been climbing - i have, just only for short spells, and indoors. Which sounds like its been ok because it's been tipping it down or boiling hot anyway. The opportunities missed have been scarce, and whilst I don't like to be a miserable choad and wish that whilst I can't, neither can you - it's easier to bear than hearing about loads of stuff getting done when you can't go. Which is a point I would like to make - when you're expecting a baby, people are such doom chimps - 'oooh, you'll not be doing this and that when the baby comes' and so on. You will, you can do anything you want - just for less time and whilst tired! Why do people take such delight in doing this? wierdos. 

I described fatherhood to Adam as being exactly the same, but without the whimsy. By which I meant you still get to go climbing, and do what you want to do, but the whimsical flights of fancy of before have to be shelved. I reckon even they will come back, but not perhaps for a little while.  Mind you, being the first father's day this last weekend, I did get to indulge myself and take the boy for a walk down Cheedale. Not since the bad old days have i seen a crag that wet (remember, the years when the cornice didnt dry out?). I had heard that people had been on martial music and unleashing, but both of these were nearly waterfalls, and the nemesis start was so soaked i struggled to make out the holds (I was actually looking for the one which had broken, and am now concerned its the crimp jug you bone with your right hand to go back left. Is it? 

So, three months old and already been dragged to the wet crag. What hope for the minibeast? He's also been to the Climbing Works. Slept through the first hour, and then had a bit of feed and a kick on the mats by the board. Which, according to Helen - is very like her sessions (this made us laugh). Unfortunately, he also had to suffer the endless tirade which is Alex Barrows. One can only wonder as to the damage which must surely have been done to his little mind as the gangly grade bagger slopped his floppy clown shoes onto the enormous bivi ledge footholds which exist for weak people and warm ups. To compensate, I sellotaped a picture of malc to the inside of his basket, and he fell asleep with a kettlebell in his paw. Hopefully this is enough to reverse the damage.