The Dick Splinters emails - episode 2

Dick Splinters sent me another one of his long ranty emails. I thought you might like to read it, so here's the best bits : 

"I fucking love it when it rains. It means I can go on my board and PULL DOWN! Its always in condition my board. When the weather's fine, I feel obliged to go out with my 'friends' and lurch between gritstone breaks whilst my feet scrabble uselessly behind me. They're not real friends, if they were they would come and sit in the sofa behind the board and coo as I flick effortlessly between glued on matchsticks - 'oooh Dick you're the best' they'd say, as my legs scorpion kick behind me, 'gosh Dick, it looks really hard, you should be able to climb 9a now', and then I show them the first hour of my fingerboarding DVD - including the bit where I do three back two one armers holding mum's Metro Vanden Plas with my free hand...." 

I've seen it - this is impressive. I haven't seen a vanden plas in that condition for some time. 

"I went to that 'Climbing Works' place again. It's ok like - i mean, the two corners are, but there's this whole punter section in the middle which is baffling. What training benefit is there from slabs? who climbs slabs? Yeah, Adam Long - and look what became of him. Anyway, I saw that Chris Webb-Parsons guy there. I think he works on the desk or something - he had that vacant stare only reception will give you. I think he's got a tattoo of a manatee on his paunch or something? I'm going to get one this lunchtime. Man, that guy has a hunchback almost as pronounced as mine. I went up to him, and I said - 'Hey Parsnip - how many tens have you done?' he didn't know what I was talking about, so i said 'You know, v10's - bet you've done at least three haven't you? which ones? is it the terrace? I've done the Terrace. Have you seen my video??, is it true you had to have four goes on Deliverance?', he started trying to walk away, but I rugby tackled him and tried to pull his trousers off to see if it was true that he had bulging muscular thighs and a tattoo of Pat Butcher on his thigh. It wasn't."

I think he must have been thrown out after that, as there was some sort of commotion there the other day. Anyway, he's got community service to do, so he had to cut it off after that. And anyway, those were the good bits. The rest was just agonising about wooden crimps.