Orrible Orme

James has a theory that since we all started wittering on about the lime then its come back into fashion and my once quiet places of power are teeming with 17yr old hopefuls with no grasp on reality. We should therefore, downplay these places to selfishly preserve them for ourselves (reasonably obviously, if you are reading Adam Long, this doesn't apply to you - on the subject of which, read his excellent report about the Joker here).

On the way to the cave we get a text from Ed Robinson who has just done the Hulk. Blummin good effort Dr Pinch!

Parisella's cave is a grotty hole in the ground. There's poos in the bottom (of the cave), the holds are all bad and the problems are all hard. Its rubbish - you'll have much more fun doing mountain trad. Off you pop then, don't waste any more time reading this introverted drivel...

All of the above things ARE true. BUT I LOVE IT! I wish I lived closer. It really is the indoors outdoors. Its raw, brutal, unforgiving, technical, knacky, rewarding, scary and next to the road - perfect! Its the ultimate place to build up to something big. You do a few moves and then by simply adding a few moves more you've got something really hard. I think this is the reason the grades are all nonsense - if you had to walk up to and do one of these problems with no prior knowledge you'd get shut down, but because you can pull on at almost any point and work bits of it and then put it all together so when they get done they feel easy. Trigger cut is never 7c+, Rock attrocity is never 7c.

There are a few people there when we arrive, noone I know. We start climbing and I feel pretty good. Because the holds are more open and pinchy in the cave my bad crimping finger keeps quiet, I realise just how much it has been a hinderance. For the first time I do Beaver Cleaver, so already have a tick to be pleased with - sadly its the only one, but I'm focussed on progress rather than what I didn't do. James and I have a look at Broken heart (which finishes up Beaver Cleaver (if it doesnt, then I have the wrong name - the problem I did is that which is the end of Broken Heart), and I think it looks feasible. Everything in the cave seems to involve a trick - there's all sorts of clever heel toe faggotry and without knowing it for Broken Heart I only do the easy bit at the end. But this is why its so good, you do a problem, put a couple of moves on the start and you're only a sniff away from actually doing something quite hard. Its like you are on a promise, the big numbers wink slyly at you - 'come and get me big boy' they say. I scrabble towards them like my life depends on it, but they're shy little devils and they weeble into dark corners before I can close my hands. Once the problem has shown you a bit of itself you'll chase until truly beaten.

Follicle is in his element, chasing around showing me bits of stuff (that I cant do). I know the feeling - when you burn someone off you wouldnt usually burn off you keep going, pressing home the advantage - its a brilliant feeling and I dont begrudge him any of it! He breezes through Rock Atrocity, notably adding the sit start to get an extra notch for his bed post. Honestly, the ease with which he does Rock Atrocity is dismaying, and I have glimpsed what I can have if I put the time in.

Trigger cut is chuffin desperate. We don't even do the first move - although I feel like I'm not a million miles off it. I get James to push me through and then try the foot move that follows - poor James, I feel as if I am not supporting ANY of my own weight and that move is desperate. I give up and switch focus to Lou Ferrino. I've wanted to do this for years and my biggest problem is stupidity. I have my best go when I listen to the shouted instructions, but it doesnt feel natural and my body wants to move in a different way. I forget I have leeched a video of JLS doing it onto my ipod until we are on the way home, and at that point notice a different method that might work for me.

And now I cant wait go back! But seriously - its rubbish. I wouldn't bother.