Headstress

So. In all the excitement of James and his dildocation I haven't written anything else this week, but to be honest, thats because nothing much has happened. Wednesday night I went to the school all psyched to do the Amoeba Assassin. Have gone backwards. What is it with me and hard problems I really want to do? I have a session where I streak to within a gnats ass of success and then I don't get back there for months... Perhaps I get myself worked up when I think I am going to do something that I care about doing, and I dont do so well. When I suprise myself by not thinking I will do something, I do better. That I get to the end on an early go and then dont get back there at least supports that theory, but perhaps I am just cossetting my ego? perhaps I just had a lucky go and wasnt really up to the job after all. Honestly though, I think its more to do with headstress (but then I would say that).

Its the same with comps. In the foundry comp, where I dont really care, I am having fun and there is no pressure, I do well. I dont mean I would usually win in a BBC or anything, I mean that I feel I realise my potential better. When I climb in 'important' comps, I am shitting myself and I dont do well. Feel a weight was lifted when I stopped comping seriously. Will still do odd one, but not going to be as focussed as I was. My neuroses are all consuming!

So, tomorrow morning I shall drive the familiar drive to Rubicon, where I shall once again hope to end my obsession with the kudos wall. I find myself sat at the bottom of the wall looking at the holds, cleaning them (almost obsessively) and mentally thinking about what I will do when I have done it. Which is, I think, part of the problem. I dont want to do it any more, I want to have done it. Which is probably why I haven't done it. This autumn has made up for the summer in my opinion. Its been mint. I'm looking forwards to going back to the plantation, I'm psyched for west side story, brad pitt and so on, but whilst Rubicon is still climbable and I have things to do, I will feel like I have unfinished business.

So, other news from Swiss : Char has done Franks wild years. Is this 8a or 8a+now? Its a fucking good effort whatever it is. I thought it was desperate, but it was tshirt weather when James and I tried in January. The team who carried James down from Chironico included Chris Davies who had done le Prou earlier in the week. Apparently they were all heroes. Of course, had I been there I would have caught him (and then done dreamtime, kirk windtain and la boule) and none of it would have been necessary. Poor bugger estimates a lengthy recovery which is fucking shit being completely honest. James, you are a rubbish climbing partner - firstly you go and become a doctor and have mad hours, then you go and do this. Honestly, you are holding me back. Actually, thinking about it, perhaps routes is the answer for you during rehab? maybe I will get to do some routes after all!

Tonight is the works comp. I popped in to do some computer work for them and had a scout of the problems, as well as an introduction to Jacky Godoffe thanks to Perc. Seems like a lovely chap (jacky, not percy - he's a right cnut;-)) problems look good, but its saturday tomorrow, and it will be clear and cold, and I am going to get some success on the rocks. Yeah...